Rewriting History

"To win, he will literally have to rewrite history."

- Steven Stark on Barack Obama, RealClearPolitics.com

Slavery? That's not in any textbooks anymore, I rewrote them all.

Stand-Up Guy

Roger Staubach was a stand-up guy - literally and figuratively."

- Dan Patrick, Dan Patrick Show

With all apologies to those who cannot stand, do we really need clarification that he could actually standup?!?

Hollywood Execs Have a Crystal Ball

"Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne are looking to the future - literally"

- Steven Zeitchick, Hollywood Reporter - writing about a movie that centers on a society that has figured out how to predict the future.

This lede is fucking weak. Anytime the Reporter writes a lede, it's gotta have something gimicky in it. Something "clever". Well, fuck you Reporter.

Mortality is Lame

"That being said, there is nothing wrong with sex. I intend to live forever. Literally."

- Craigslist, No more bull. - 23 (Studio City)

This dude's whole post in the "Men seeking Women" section is excellent, but, then again, all vampires are kick-ass writers.

Asking The Hardhitting Questions

"We literally beat him over the head with that question"

-Garnett Lee of 1Up Yours Podcast 6/27

They must have used cue cards for that interview.

Drowning

"We have been getting so many phone calls, we're literally drowning in leads."

- Orange County Sheriff spokesman discussing a murder investigation on radio.

Blame global warming.

I Knew She Was Cold

“We had 300 people outside, literally freezing to death”

-Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Iowa City

Props to Mark Leibovich of The New York Times who followed up with "No deaths were reported, in fact".

The Shocker

"[Bill Clinton] literally shocked his audience, by criticizing Mr. Obama and his campaign"

-Kate Phillips, The New York Times

First cigars then this...err. Kate could have meant "electrical shock" but either way, I'm glad I wasn't in that audience.

Stealing The Show

"[Danny Ainge] talked about watching [Rondo] at the Under-21 Championships in Argentina when he literally stole the show with a tourney-record in thefts."

-Scott Souza MetroWest Daily News staff

I wonder where Rajon Rondo took the show. And how much was he able to fence it for?

Founding Fathers

"[John] Adams and [Benjamin] Franklin were literally pushing the buttons of the Revolution."

- History Channel documentary about the Freemasons

We imagine them in some sort of superbunker with computers and monitors controlling the colonial armies like Command & Conquer.

Man on Fire

"Denzel literally sets the movie screen on fire."

- Radio advertisement for Denzel Washington's "Man on Fire"

Honestly, if you're advertising a movie, you don't want to tell moviegoers that the theater will burn down.